I am standing at the opening of a new chapter of my life. Excited, worried, nervous, ready to start. The title of the new chapter is “Studying Counseling and Psychotherapy”. I am excited about this new opportunity, ready to leap into something I believe to be my calling and that will bring me closer to become the person God has intended me to be. But I’m also incredibly worried, if I’ll get all the money for such an expensive course and self-doubt is creeping up on me from behind. I’m living in this tension between joy and the next moment I’m overcome by vulnerability and fear.
In a world, culture and society where our value is measured in our productivity, the house we live in, the car we drive, the holiday we take it is hard to live a life that is trying to follow your passions, a calling, a dream. It is something many people don’t understand, because it is against all rules. By choosing to pursue my dream, I am ( and I have been) risking a lot! I have no secure job or income and yet I just signed up for a new college course. I have my moments when I go to bed, switch off the light and wonder if I’m choosing the right thing. Sometimes even the smallest comments make me feel vulnerable and insecure. And then I realise that I am not as strong as I thought I was…….I found this quote form a photographer: “I think authenticity is being real and being genuine and is also a process of truing up. It’s finding yourself in alignment with your hearts’ desires, to your values… it’s listening to your voice. It requires courage.”
Pursuing my dreams and my passions requires courage. Courage means ‘to put heart into something’. I will need to put my heart fully into following God’s direction. I am trying to embrace this messy part of my life, I am trying to let the truth sink in, that I am on the right way. But yet I also need to sit in the tension of joy and vulnerability.