Someone once said to me, that moving is considered as one of the most stressful things in life. I can vouch for that once more. In total I’ve been moving 9 times, including moving country three times. The first time was when I was 5 years old and I can’t remember much, besides that I was allowed to choose the wallpaper for my room (rose clouds with light blue suns and moons) and that I had to swap kindergarten much to my delight! The next big move was when I decided to go to Uni in Vienna. I still remember the tearful goodbye to my parents on Sunday and that I spent that night in hospital all by myself because I put my back out in the shower after they left.
On Monday I moved once more. Away from my beloved appartement on an irish farm where dogs, cats, cattle and hens were the only loud noises, to a boarding school in Waterford where the laughter, footsteps and music of 89 boarding girls is very much present.
After worrying for days if I’ll fit everything in 1.5 rooms, packing up and cleaning my old place, I am now unpacked (besides my beloved books, because I don’t know where to put them) and trying to settle into a new place and life. I feel overwhelmed, excited and nervous all at the same time. Trying to remember names and faces, trying to understand bit by bit my role here and the expectations of this job. And being the woman I am, I’m wrestling with all the new responsibilities, I am afraid if the girls will like me and get on with me, anxious if I’ll get on with the staff, doubting if this was the right move, tired emotionally and physically.
Over the summer I wrote a list of ingredients that would give my life joy and meaning, and following my passion and dreams was one of them. No one told me how scary that can be, how vulnerable I would make myself again and how much God is trying to free me from the prison I have built around myself by taking this opportunity and moving to the school.
My self-kindness vs. my self-critic is tested once more. Somehow I think courage without fear isn’t possible. If I wouldn’t be scared, I wouldn’t need to gather all my inner resources and take a step into the unknown, and experiences that this is exactly what trusting in God means. And I want to be me and authentic and not live by other people’s expectations! So I am trying to remember that “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we are.”