Monthly Archives: July 2011

The book nerd in me

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“Read something”, was my mother’s advice when I came to her as a little girl complaining that I was bored. One day I took her advice seriously and started to read. She soon regretted saying that, when I was trying to fit 5 books into my suitcase for 2 week-long holiday. Needless to say that I read all of the 5 books before the holiday was over. Since then I was a ‘book eater’/ ‘nerd’ /book worm’. So I felt like a little girl who gets her first Barbie for Christmas when I held my Kindle in my own hands. I don’t want to over dramatize its impact on my life, but it indeed changed my life. I can now easily take more than 5 books with me and whenever I need/want a new book, I have it in less than 5 minutes. Incredible!

But I’m not only a fan of the written kind of literature, no I also have an audible account. Heaven. I can now listen to books while driving, being on a plane or bus, in the shower, packing – endless possibilities.

As I’m packing for my holidays I downloaded Game of Thrones on audible (16 hours for Part 1!), The Lantern (excited about this novel) and The Gift of Imperfection (because I need to challenge my heart and my head). My hammock awaits me!

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Processing

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If you have been working with teenagers who are broken for the last two weeks straight and also feel and see your own broken parts and the areas in your own life that need healing, you would need to process all that.

This is my attempt to process:

 

To everyone out there

who cries themselves to sleep

and put on a brave face the next morning.

To all who say ‘Amen’,

but wonder daily about this distant old guy on a cloud

listening to harp music all day long,

so that he can’t hear the prayers of the one’s in need.

To all who have experienced the cruelty of reality

and to whom giving up seems like the next rational step.

To all who think that living your dream is only for dreamers,

but not for people like you and me.

To all who cried out as a child “mummy I’m cold”,

but instead of a warm cuddle your parents put on the heating.

To all who think that living is purely about survival:

Let us be courageous and face our Giants,

because once upon a time we heard about a Promised Land,

where people like us can be free

and where life is celebrated and wounds will heal.

Let us come together and believe in a future,

where our past has no power over us

and no longer defines or stigmatizes us.

Let’s dare to live

let’s dare to hope

let’s dare to step forward.

Frustrations and Pain

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One morning when I was 18 years old I was trying to pick up my socks from the floor in our bathroom and as I was trying to get back up again, I realized that my back was stuck. I couldn’t move anymore. I felt an excruciating pain in my lower back. So I crawled from the bathroom to the phone in my parent’s bedroom, called my mum, who called my dad who called me, and told me that he will leave work as soon as possible and pick me up to go and see a doctor. I was 18 and I was in school at that time. But it also happened to be the day of one of my important exams. Well, that was not going to happen……

Since that day I always had to be very careful with my lower back. But sometimes it just throws a tantrum and reminds me that my sciatic nerve is quite mean and cruel at times.

I am not good in dealing with pain. It makes me feel frustrated and I don’t want to feel weak. But you know that your body has reached its limit when an 1 hour 15 min car ride and a 5 minute walk wears your back out and your thighs and hamstrings are in muscle spasm.

But I don’t want to be needy. I don’t want to start crying because of my stupid back. I definitely don’t want to ask for help. So instead I am frustrated which makes me feel very discouraged. Dangerous cycle. How to break it, no idea. At the moment I’m just wrestling through.

Defying Gravity

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New challenges are ahead of me. A few days ago I received a letter in the post that told me that PCI College is delighted to inform me that they can offer me a place in their Bs(Hons)  program for Counseling & Psychotherapy.

So here I am. Excited about the new challenge, knowing that I’ll move into a new direction and that a new phase of my life is ahead of me. Nervous, if I’ll get all the money together to pay for such an expensive course. Worried if I can make a living afterwards and yet confident because I’m at a point in my life where I can say that I know what I am passionate about and that I know my calling. The complexity of my thoughts and emotions is hard to put into words….. My ‘Earworm’ (def.: german expression for a song that is stuck in your head) over that last couple of weeks has been ‘Defying Gravity’ and there are some lines in it that so well express where I am right now:

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I’m through with playing by the rules

Of someone else’s game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It’s time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes: and leap!

 

I’m ready to take the next step. I am ready to leap. I am ready for the complexity of life and the tension of emotions I find myself in.