“Let’s go for coffee” can be translated as “Let’s spend some time together chatting, sharing, laughing” which I love. In fact I’m a coffee-addict in a good way. I love to meet with people, sit down, sip on my coffee (preferable a latte or cappuccino, depending how much caffeine I need) and of course chat. I wouldn’t describe myself as a chit-chat person, I like to have heart-to-heart conversations where we can be honest with each other, listen, laugh about mistakes, encourage one another and get encouraged, vent and de-stress. The moment I sit down I can pause for a moment and be with my counterpart. What makes it even better are little treats like muffins, cakes, caramel squares, scones – the list is endless.
Over the weekend I had one special coffee. I was absolutely tired and left refreshed and heart-lifted. And it was not the caffeine itself that did that to me- more the caffeine of honesty.
They are many stages of being tired: tired after a good days work, lack-of-sleep tiredness, exhausted tiredness, jet-lag tiredness. When I suffer insanely from sleep deprivation, I very soon hit the point where I start being silly. This weekend I was constantly tired, which ment I was drinking coffee when ever I had the opportunity to (which was often!), simply to keep me awake. But my good friend coffee failed me eventually and I started to giggle at not so funny things, singing out load at inappropriate times, making a fool out of myself playing an exchange student in a sketch…..the list continues. Now I am only “I can’t move or think-exhausted”.
I had to get up early this morning and as I was stepping outside the door of our apartment where we stayed in West Cork for a youth leaders training retreat, my eyes captured the beauty of sunrise! It was a frosty, quite and fresh morning. I am not a morning person at all, but mornings like make me wish I would be enjoying the beauty and quietness more often.
I feel like my emotions went on a roller-coaster ride without my permission. I’m feeling fine, have fun, are making jokes and the next moment I find myself sitting on my couch crying. There is the battle going on inside of me: I’m feeling happy, fulfilled, joyful, ‘sunny’ and then all of a sudden dark clouds are over-shadowing me and I feel confused, worthless, not good enough, shy, ashamed, selfish….. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I cannot simply pull myself together and I can’t fight against them. I can’t be around people, but being alone sometimes makes it worse. What to do? I don’t have a clue! Trying being me in the midst of it, is maybe the only choice I have.